There is a familiar emptiness that arises, always around but often dormant.
It is around even when I am at work, looking at my computer screen and feeling the meaningless futility of what I am doing. Does this work matter to anyone? For anything?
It is around when I am home, after a day to myself, during which I worked on a project or two which though satisfying in their own small ways, do not fill the empty space of “What is the point of my existence here?”
It feels slightly further away when I go out in the evening and occupy the dark night and the buzzing space of nighttime energy. Getting lost in a sweaty bar amidst pounding music, the emptiness feels further away.
But an hour later, my body has grown accustomed to the pounding rhythms and the sweaty bodies around me stumble in their drunkenness, shoving into me uncomfortably and the emptiness is back – a great expanse of space between my experience and of those around me.
The emptiness all but disappears when I see a dear friend for lunch and we bicycle through town, laughing and sharing stories, and sharing the same high plane of love and joy. But even by early evening when we part ways, I see the emptiness down the block. I look at it and say, “Hello, I spent the day with my friend. I will go home now, read a book and eat dinner.”
Emptiness is still.
I invite him into my bedroom, because after a joyful day, I know he will not take over and he will be a healthy reminder of the general shape of all things. She will show me my life as a story with no end, with only blank spaces. I will welcome this openness, embracing the unknown, thanking her for existing.
Life is changing in big ways right now. And the emptiness begs for deep and strong attention, which is almost too much to handle. She says, “Look at me, be with me, hold me in your arms and in your head and in your heart. Take this void. What do you propose to fill me with, knowing full well that I am ever present?”
The small acts, I cannot completely revel and relax in them. Because I see the great power of the emptiness, I see that it is pure potential. And if I a-void it, I will miss the great opportunity it presents. Because he is saying that I can choose more than I have been able to choose for a while! This is the time to cast new stones, and say Yes! and No! And Again! And Never again!
And this is me! And this, no! And maybe I don’t know so much about this!
And maybe I can face this fear!
And maybe I am not who I thought I was!
And maybe look at this question more honestly this time! And maybe don’t pretend to know what love, integrity, creativity, joy, peace, confidence, intelligence, spirit are! Maybe you still have no idea!
a bird that flew into the window of our moving car and died on impact and lay on the road, still so gentle and soft, from full flight to sudden disappearance