A party
Who is this person, usually freely sociable and graceful, who now is so sensitive and distances from friends, friends of friends? I feel an ocean apart from the worlds of others. I cannot connect to them as I am preoccupied with unpredictable thoughts, unwelcome anxieties…
When they attempt to connect to me, and we converse about the difficult situation I find myself in, the conversation, by social necessity turns humorous as we both try to make light of it all. I join in on the satire, mocking the awkward circumstances of my life right along with them, but I am deeply pained by it all.
They laugh.
My dilemma becomes an opportunity for sociability and discussion, while they remain ignorant of how deep it cuts me – to talk about this giant freight train of a problem that sits idling on the otherwise open and exciting path of my life; chatting nonchalantly, carelessly about this impossible obstacle, all the while my heart and mind search for remote some solution that will put me back on track.
I am appalled by my own sensitivity. Why can’t I just take it easy, joke about my life along with the others? Appreciate the company of new friends?
Well, these wounds are fresh without the hope of an eventual clot. Each joke merely picks at the cut, or circles around it, teasing with a solution.
I am shocked that suddenly I feel so disconnected, withdrawn from interaction. Remove myself from the situation, sit in a corner for enough time to let a few tears seep through my eyes, exhale then spend the rest of the night in a half-conscious haze.
~ ~ ~
My life is now a problem in itself!
A problem for which no simple solution exists. Each path is fraught with difficulty, or impossibility. There is no escape from it; no easy way out. The future no longer feels full of hope. This doesn’t feel like a temporary glitch whose time will pass but rather a roadblock that requires such massive detours as to take me to entirely unfamiliar territory. Starting from zero again.
